Even though I walk through the valley

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I wont turn back I know you are near
and I will fear no evil
for my God is with me
and if my God is with me whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?"

Now I cant tell you who wrote that song, but our church sings it often enough that when I am on worship team and that song is on the list my heart jumps. It speaks so honestly of dedication to your Lord regardless of what is going on in the circumstances around you---something I have been working on this last year to get a good strong grip on.
I am writing again from the hospital, on a day when we will have another ultrasound and see if Jenn gets to come out into out-patient care for a time, or if she will stay again another week. The twins are only 25 weeks along, and will not be 26 weeks until Wednesday. Yes, we are counting the days---each day is a miracle, and each day moves us that much closer to these kids being ok outside the womb.
Yesterday in church we had an altar call for those who needed prayer--to be honest I couldnt get up there fast enough. I knew my focus had slipped, and I was treading water at this point, just praying for God to carry me through the storm...losing my strength in the Lord and knowing He was going to take care of it all.
A very lovely man and his wife, our associate pastoral family, prayed over Kurt and I, and said something that has been sticking in my brain all night--so much so that I could not rest last night until I had thought it through and settled it into my heart.
So I am going to share that hope and that thought with you...because someone somewhere may need this today as well.
It is a thing called 'the shadow of fear'. Whenever God is doing something totally, completely amazing in your life, when there is a miracle happening that goes beyond any explanation other than the Lord doing what He does best in making the impossible, possible...the enemy swoops in and tries to do something to the situation that makes you afraid.
Sounds pretty simple huh? Like we as followers of Christ would fall for that? Hah!
Actually, I did...and we do....
It is so easy to lose sight of what you are doing things for in life and get your focus on your self.
It is so easy when you have walked through a valley that when you find yourself in it again to cower and pray that the Lord take you out of it RIGHT NOW because those times were some of the most painful of your life and you DO NOT need to go through them again.
I know I am not alone in this..fear rules a lot of people. And even if you think you conquered it (a.k.a. Heather Estey) it can come creeping out of the shadows and steal around your heart and turn you into mush crying out to the Lord.
So when Pastor Bob and Linette prayed over us, he said something that really struck a chord. "Heather and Kurt, this fear is a shadow fear. The enemy can do nothing to change this situation. God is the one in control. Dont lose sight of that. The enemy is powerless and his fear that he putting on you is only there because you allow it" .
My mind was filled with scripture; 'Who is like the Lord? There is no one.. who is like the Lord, He is strong and mighty...". Or songs like the one I wrote above.
Who is the enemy that I should fear what he can do? His power has been broken and he has already been defeated once. My focus is not on making those kids grow, it is on helping Jenn get through this, praying her through it, and praying for her salvation daily. I am not God, and I can only do the things He gives me to do, to the best of my ability.
So if that is where you are today, and you thought you were in the middle of the blessing only to get blindsided, sit down, and pray that the Lord will help you to focus on what your job was in the first place, and where you heart and mind should be.

"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
and when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name (Jesus)
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be your name when the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be-- Blessed be Your name
and Blessed be your name when I walk through the wilderness
when theres pain in the offering--Blessed be Your name.."

The Road Seems Long

Well, so much for a peaceful and pleasant Christmas for the Estey family and company this year....:)
For those of you who have not heard, Jenn was airlifted from Marshall in SW MN to Abbott Northwestern on Christmas Day, while Kurt and I got on the roads and drove a crazy 6 1/2 hours to reach her and be with her at the hospital. A few memories from that insane night: passing 8 cars TOTAL on the way to the Cities, including 4 police cars, and 2 semi trailers. Having to switch seats and me driving Kurt's huge truck for the very first time at all, on glare ice and with zero visibility on 169 from Jordan to Bloomington. Kurt having to stop for the bathroom in the middle of nowhere and almost losing him in the ditch because all the gas stations were closed and there was no way to tell where the edge of the road was and the ditch began. Finally, the pot of mashed potatoes crashing to the floor as the EMT's mauevered Jenn on a backboard through the dining table that had just been set. Seeing two heatbeats and plenty of fluid around two little babies, and also meeting the same dr who oversaw my care 10 years ago in the same hospital, and knowing from her face that she not only remembered us, but it was a fond memory for her.
So there are a few snapshots of that night for us.
We came home late Sunday as they released her and had found she would be ok and had 2 dr appts on Monday anyhow. Slept in a bed for the first time in days that belonged to me! :0) Good thing too, because Monday I had a dear friends funeral to sing at, and so Kurt took Jenn to the dr apts. IN the middle of the funeral, here comes another lovely friend, with a message to call Kurt NOW.
Long story short I and Jenn were home less than 24 hours, her cervix was open and she had started preterm labor. They rushed her to Sioux Falls, put her on strict bedrest an IV and a catheter, and started meds to stop everything.
Today is Friday the very first day of the new Year. Jenn has had stitches put in, been on bedrest all week, freed from her catheter and IV, and now allowed to sit up and do some things. The week has taken a toll on her and I both, and we are both emotionally spent and stressed. They are hoping she goes at least 3 more weeks to the 28 week mark. Would you pray for that as well? Pray for strength and peace, for protection and healing, and most of all for her to rest in the Lord right now. Pray I would be able to walk through this with her and be the support she needs to get through some really trying times. Patience has never been my virtue, and God is really growing me in that area right now, on an unwilling heart. If I could do this for her I would, but I cant, so I will pray her through it.
Thanks for everything dear friends. I hope you are able to hug your kids tonight and tell them how much you love them and how dear they are to you.............