Monday, December 6, 2010
I know I have not been really good about sharing on here lately what with the addition of adorable twins to my life, but I promise, I am going to try more.
I kinda feel like my life is a sort of NASCAR lately---very loud, very fast, and with split second moves that make or break the family decision making process.
(I would also like to add just like NASCAR sometimes I find myself just wishing for the last lap to HURRY up so I can really fall asleep. lol)
Anyhow, there have been many changes to our family this year, and this weekend, as we gathered with Kurt's family and sat sharing a meal and presents, God really struck me with a few things...or better yet, gently reminded me of some things He has been whispering to my heart over the last few months.
This is one of those miracle years for us. We have become parents again, not to just one baby, but TWO beautiful and precious, precocious children. It has begun a work in our hearts that we never expected...and we talked about that and many things all the way home. God took two people who were mourning the loss of our dreams for a larger family, shocked us with this precious gift, and now has breathed hope, again, into our hearts, that someday our home will be the "welcoming home" for many more children. Its been a tough but lovely journey to get to this Christmas. :)
Secondly, as I looked around the family, I was blessed to see that there were faces there that we thought we would have to say goodbye to this last summer--both of Kurt's Grandmothers were there; laughing, smiling, and spending time with us when we had already been forced to say goodbye as they lay at death's door this summer from illness. How can you not raise your hands and thank God for one more holiday with people that you know and love...especially ones that even the Drs. say are now walking miracles? To see your children look into their eyes and smile, and know that might never have been? It was blessing upon blessing for this mother's heart.
I also had the opportunity to have some down time with so many hands willing and happy to hold my two little ones, which gave me time to actually read most of a book at my in-laws house (gasp!). It was the book written by Mary Beth Chapman, and was about her story and struggle to follow God's plan for her life and how she and her famous husband have dealt with many trials throughout their marriage, one of the greatest which was the loss of their 5 year old adopted daughter Maria in a tragic accident.
I laughed, I cried, I prayed through the book, because the timing could not have been more perfect in my life to read this courageous woman's story.
You see, sometimes in the last few weeks I have been back to dealing with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, something that I really have not fought for about 5 years at this level. It is true, my darling girls are such a blessing, all three of them. And I really really am aware of that after waiting 10 years to see my family begin to come together and for Annalise to be blessed with siblings that she has prayed and longed for now for years.
But to be completely honest, going from one child to three, and those youngest two being the same age and ability, has taxed even this "superwoman's" strength and sanity to the max. I have doubted my abilities to pull this off more than once in the last few weeks as I attempt to homeschool, parent, teach lessons, and continue my small involvement in church, as well as all the lovely things that come with being a stay at home mom (can you say never-ending laundry and housework?). There have been times I have wondered what it was that God was trying to tell me as I struggle with these feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes find myself wondering if I am ever going to be able to fulfill MY PLANS and MY DREAMS and MY HOPES for what I want to DO with MY life.
Well, to cut this short, the thing I learned the most from that book is that I am not alone. Mary Beth Chapman has felt that same way her entire life and marriage. She still struggles with it, and one of the things I really took to heart from her story is: that is ok. She said "I have come to learn that my life would be much easier if I would just lay aside all the things that I WANT FOR MY LIFE TO BE and let GOD continue to work out his plan for me on HIS TIME AND HIS PLAN."
That hit like a hammer driving the nail home.
I prayed earnestly and longed for this life, just as Hannah did for her son Samuel in the OT. I can not have all the things that I want and desire for my life to be, and have His plan as well for it. They just dont jive. And as much as I would love to see the Estey name go up in lights as I sell all the music I have ever written, or begin to record a professional CD with a well-known label company...I need to lay those things down, and dive into the beautiful and precious responsibilities that God has given me in these three little hearts to raise. I dont want to miss those precious moments because I am out touring on the roads, or meeting with people about my songs. That would in some ways bring glory only to me, and the path He has me on, the one He seems to have chosen for my life, is the better one because it leaves me out of the picture and brings Him fully into it as the center of attention--where He should be.
I think there is a time and a season for all things in my life, and this season is one of being home, loving my kids and my husband and finding the joy in what has been so abundantly given to me. It is in laying down those selfish desires and seeing what it is that I have been blessed with right in front of me. It is being open to saying :"God, I am going to step up and lay this at your feet, knowing you have already answered one of my greatest heart's desires, and in YOUR time, you will take care of this one as your part of the plan if YOU WANT TO."
Do you have something like that in your life? Is there something that you have been wrestling with God about as you try to superimpose what you want on what HE wants for you?
Lay it down. You, like me, would simply be missing out on the blessings He already has planned for you...here....today. And when that race is over, and life slows down; when the end lap is finished, you will find yourself looking back and wondering how you ever thought something else could be more important than what was already given into your hands to mold and shape and love.