I am waiting

   I know we are in the middle of posting lots of tips, and tricks, and ways to cut your grocery budget, but for today's post I am just going to pretend we are sitting at my dining room table (and that it is clean enough for us to do so), sipping tea or coffee from china cups, and having a conversation.

   We had my doctor's appointment yesterday, and boy, was it rough and yet eye-opening. I dont know how much you have read of my other posts leading up to this day, but my husband and I have had great heartache and trouble having children. We are SO blessed with the three that we have, and are thankful that God is showing us an open door towards adoption again, because our hearts are not quite full yet. Children are such a blessing, and the three we have make this old house rock on its foundation with laughter, and fun every single day. It is often, though, that I feel in my heart that the three should be multiplied and I should see six or seven kids loving and living and being crazy Esteys. Once you lose a child, whether you got to hold their hand, or not, they are always there, on the edge of your mind...almost a "shadow" in the room if you will. I am sure with the addition of 13 Estey babies to Heaven, that it rocks up there a lot too. Poor angel babysitter. :)
   Anyhow, when we went last time to see the specialist, he did a lot of blood tests, gave us some serious but basic information, and set an appointment for two weeks. We knew walking out of there that while fibroids are common in women, the kind I had were not, and that this doctor was determined to get to the bottom of the issue why a 36 year old woman should have gone through a still birth, micro-preemie child, and 12 subsequent miscarriages in her short life, as well as now be presenting with rare fibroids. Ugh. Makes me sounds like a mental case. But as God "formed my in-most parts" and knows what He is doing, I have to trust this is all part of the plan, right?
   So yesterday the doctor was grave. Turns out there is a reason why we have had so much trouble, and he laid out the blood work to show us. I have the highest numbers he has ever seen of a blood disorder that causes the uterus to clot off. To say he is astonished that we have actually been able to have the ONE precious child we were handed at birth, is an understatement. Now, this disorder does not affect me at any other time than be pregnant...or now, I guess.
   Because the uterus normally clots off, I lost all those pregnancies. But now because what I am dealing with is this rare fibroids, it is actually feeding them at a higher rate. Which means they WONT go away, they CANT be removed and managed, and the only option I have that is safe, reliable, and will guarantee I wont be dealing with more issues than I already am, is to have a hysterectomy.
   I could rant and rave, call out to the Lord and say "I am only 36 years old, Lord! I have two toddlers and you want me to be on my back for a week or so? I teach school! I teach piano! The little Estey world revolves around me!"
       But then, of course, I would catch myself and realize..... 
                                     it's not about me at all.  
                                                  Ever.                                                       
  You see, everything that has happened in my life has led to someone else knowing the Lord. It has led to conversations about the amazing ride you take when you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you, and that you will never be good enough, or amazing enough, or prepared enough, to deserve it. It is only by HIS love that it ever happened in the first place.
   So I can look at this new happening in my life through the eyes of faith. I can see how God is solving a lot of problems at once for me with this procedure, because He LOVES ME.
   Let me list a few:
   No more severe anemia. No more down days because I can barely get off the couch due to pain or suffering with certain times of every month. No more wondering if I am going to get pregnant...again...and lose that baby too. No more worries about God's leading--should we try again to have another baby, or should we consider adoption.
                                                    And there are so many more.

   I can sigh with relief, knowing that part of pain, and suffering, and anguish is over in my life. He is closing that door, and opening another. I am content with that. I know He will bring women and men into my life who will want to have someone who can listen, nod their head and say:

"I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord." (PS. 27:13-14--Life Verse)

   I also know it means that God has another bigger plan for our family. I will see the goodness of that in the land of the living. It will unfold out before me over the next couple years like a tapestry unrolling across the floor before it is hung up to be admired. I can already see the gold threads of answered prayers, and the red threads of the suffering days woven behind me. I can see the blue threads of overwhelming peace that I couldn't understand at the times I went through those dark times, and I can see the brown threads in the places where I thought I was walking in a desert and just waiting for answers. I cant wait until Heaven to hand that to the Lord and say "You did good, God. You did SO good."
   Maybe He will let me hang it up behind my bed in that mansion He is building me up there right now. :)

                                                         Would you like some more tea?
                                                                         Blessings,
                                                                       Heather