Friday, May 10, 2013

When Mother's Day Hurts to Celebrate....


Good morning, everyone.

I feel compelled to write this post this year, perhaps because I have grown more comfortable with being transparent with my readers, perhaps because as I grow up a little more I realize that keeping silent about personal pain does nothing to reach someone else who is walking through it at the same time.

Maybe just because I know that my calling, 
my passion... is to encourage.
To lay my life out there for you, and to encourage you to walk through whatever you are facing with grace, and honor, and strength.

Sometimes that is really hard.
And when it comes to facing Mother's Day, it is doubly hard.

So I am going to be raw with you. 
Honest with you.
Transparent with you.

Mother's Day is not full of happy, lovely memories for me.
While I may get flowers, or a tree, lovely drawings and a nice meal out,
Mother's Day just plain hurts to celebrate.

I know that sounds strange.
Many of you are looking forward to being celebrated as MOM.
Perhaps a day off of cooking and cleaning,
perhaps a reminder that you
are just as awesome as you know that you are.

And all those things are wonderful, and good, and uplifting.
But I can not share in them.
Not fully, that is.

What does Mother's day remind me of?

Empty chairs at the table where my other children should be sitting.
Empty arms that ached to hold babies that I saw
 just long enough to say goodbye to,
or only existed long enough to hear a compassionate doctor say :
"It's a girl."
or
"Its a boy."

Of course, all I heard was "It was..........."
because those children were ushered 
into the arms of the Lord 
before I was able to hold them in mine.

I KNOW I am blessed, please don't think I don't recognize that.
I live in that thought all the other moments of my life because it is the insulation that keeps me from thinking about the other parts of my heart that I will never, ever be able to get back.

I don't need to be told that I am blessed,
or reminded that I am blessed, and honestly,
if my grief makes you uncomfortable,
then squeeze my hand and walk away.

Because while I look at all the shining, beautiful, happy families around me, mine will always....
ALWAYS
feel like it is missing pieces of something incredibly precious.
13 pieces, actually.

And when I look into the precious eyes of the three beautiful, 
amazing, 
gorgeous,
 answers to prayers 
that I have been given to hold in my arms...
I will see someone else's child....
somewhere..
and always at the back of my mind I will wonder
 what one of mine would have looked like at that age.

It is not something that I can bury along with their bodies.
It is a private pain that I carry deep inside and rarely crack open the door to peek at, or even think about.
 Because it just plain hurts too much.

I can't even answer the question most mothers ask other moms 
without being reminded of my losses.

When people ask: "How many children do you have?"
I can not answer.
Do I say, "Three." and so leave out the ones I hold dear in my heart?
"Sixteen." and then have to explain?

Or just simply not answer at all and pretend I did not hear the question?

And here is the reason I am sharing 
this deep and endless pain with you.
There are women (and men) just like me, everywhere you will go this weekend.
Remember that sometimes 
grief does not fade with time.
It changes. 
It does.
But the loss of a child is one of those things that a mother carries in the deepest recesses of her heart, and she simply can not let it go just because it makes someone else uncomfortable to hear about it.

We can learn to grieve silently.
But we still grieve.

So this Mother's Day, as you are celebrating with your family, look around you. Do you know someone who might be having a difficult time and is suffering in silence that you can reach out to? Someone that you can pray for? Someone you can just give an extra hug to
without really sharing why you are doing it?
Someone who perhaps just needs to talk about the child that they lost and have someone sit and listen without offering any of the platitudes like:
"They are in a better place now." 
or "You are young, you will have more children!"
or "They are better off where they are."
or, "This really isn't healthy, and you need to start moving on."

A simple and sincere "I'm sorry" does a world of good.
Because we are sorry too.
And we can't change it at all.

I write this post in the hopes that I can be the voice for some men and women who grieve their way through days like Mother's Day or Father's Day.  I am not writing for your sympathy, or for pouring a bucket of Debbie-Downer on your celebration.
I simply wanted to use my time as I have been given it, to reach out and help others to realize that for many people this weekend, and a few others,  are full of pain right alongside the joy we also have with our living children.
Its a hard balance to keep.
But we do.


May you really have a wonderful, blessed weekend,
and may you find someone that you can give that little extra love to....
Blessings to you and yours,
Heather


linked up at Walking Redeemed

16 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks Kelly.
      Congrats on that adorable new grandbaby you have pics of. :)
      ~Heather

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  2. THANK YOU Heather! To answer the question: Ihave three children. two in my arms, and one int he Lords. My nine year old knows he has a brother that he will get to finally meet in heaven someday. My youngest is unable to understand that fact, but sometimes tells me that he sees a baby in his room watching him. He says he feels safe when he sees him, even when I'm not there. I know it's my oldest son, keeping an eye on his brothers. He would have been 20 in February this year. Bless you for sharing the truth in our hearts.

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    1. Jenn, that is absolutely beautiful. I will remember that one in the future. It just seems like if I answer the question at all, it leads to more questions, many personal ones that I simply have no desire to talk about.
      Thank you for commenting, and blessings to you this weekend. <3
      ~Heather

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  3. Oh, such a blessing your post was to so many.
    I have two children.. but spent many yrs getting the second. 17 to be exact !
    we also had a PG that didn't make it .. that is still hard today.

    ALSO, my dear sweet mom passed away last sat. she was 87 .. but no matter how old she was or I am.. it was still my mom. I spent the last 2 yr caring for her both here & the nursing home. she said for weeks , I just want to go Home .. & then if you cried & said I know mom.. she looked deep into your eyes , like , why are you crying ? :-) she was a wonderful kind , Christian woman who wanted to go Home.. & she did.. peacefully in her sleep.
    in the last days the Name of Jesus was always on her lips.
    Praise to the Great Christian moms who will never be forgotten ! :-)

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    1. GracieLynn, my heart goes out to you. I lost my dad tragically when my oldest was a baby, and to this day I miss him and it breaks my heart. I am thankful for every moment I have with my mom, and try not to think about when I wont have her here....
      Thank you for posting.
      Blessings to you,
      ~Heather

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  4. As someone who was never able to have children I just don't go out on Mother's Day. I don't like everyone everywhere assuming everyone is a Mom or having to explain that I don't have children then have to deal with the pity.I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me.So many people say such stupid things.My life is full and I am blessed just in different ways than you may have been. :)

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    1. Dear friend,
      I have many friends who live wonderful, fulfilled lives without having any children, or a spouse. Their lives are rich, varied, and they are content.
      And that is what matters.
      So, forgetting anything about Mother's Day, I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and get out and get some sunshine. :)
      thanks for commenting.
      ~Heather

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  5. This is your most perfect, beautiful post. My heart is full of compassion for you.

    Blessings to you,
    Laura
    Harvest Lane Cottage

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Laura.
      Blessings to you and hugs across the miles. :)
      ~Heather

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  6. Thank you for those well written words. I have lost two children & most recently lost a grandson who lived for one week.

    It is a sad day for us as well. I am very thankful to have the three children I have but it doesn't ease the ache in my heart for my other two children and now our grandson.

    So many of my friends are grandparents or are getting ready to be grandparents & I am not ready to go celebrate with them at the baby showers, it's hard to explain, so we just decline the invitations. I have twin daughters who are almost 20 & it was so difficult on them to lose Jaxson last year, they are still grieving his loss.

    Life is hard & God is good & Sovereign and I am so thankful for the healing He has given me, but I still have more to do. Thank you for your reminders to all women that this day is a celebration for some & a sad day to others.

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    1. With each loss it got harder and harder to celebrate the birth of my friend's babies, which were plentiful in my early years. One of my very best friends delivered her precious daughter only a few short weeks after my first son, and it was all I could do to celebrate with her and rejoice. After a while, friends stopped telling me they were pregnant, because they did not want to hurt me, knowing I was bruised, and battered, and torn up inside.
      I am so incredibly thankful for the healing that the Lord has brought me over the years. I still hurt, but I can rejoice with those who rejoice in their precious little ones. I can understand your pain, and wanted to say to you: the time will come when you can face it. But dont rush the healing. It takes time, and a lot of grief to work through the loss of someone precious to you.
      Until then, your friends will, or should, understand, and let it go. If they dont, send them over here and I will gently knock them over the head with a kind word or two, and they will understand after that. :)
      God Bless you, and Jaxon's mommy, and the rest of your family as you walk through this.
      Blessings,
      ~Heather

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  7. I am so sorry. I can only imagine your pain and sorrow. You are in my prayers.

    Briana from Texas

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    1. Thanks Briana, for those sweet words. I really am okay, but wanted to share what I know is on the heart of many women this weekend. Find someone near you that you can pray for too, and my job will be done. <3
      Blessings to you and yours, Briana,
      ~Heather

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  8. Heather I feel the same way. After years of infertility and sitting through (or not) Mother's Day services at church I know what the stab feels like. This year I'm taking something for a precious lady who was never able to have children. She's so great with kids I never guessed she never had or adopted her own. As for numbers, I say, "I have one living child". Some people do a double take when they catch the "living", but most either don't notice it or chose to overlook it. For me, it makes me feel like I'm not betraying my other children.

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  9. Thank you for your post Heather. This was my first mother's day after the traumatic and unexpected death of my nearly 8 year old daughter last summer. I had a somber, aching day as well. I also have a difficult time every time someone asks me how many children I have. And even I though I have two wonderful children remaining, they cannot replace the loss. Thank you for your transparency.
    ~Tara

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I really appreciate your comments--they make my day! And I am blessed by the many who choose to comment, share links, or just drop in to say hello, so please leave a comment! Blessings to you and yours!
~Heather @ The Welcoming House